


Name and Place

by bluejorts



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: ... yet, Hurt, Other, emotional monologuing, peter goes OFF, set post s2 but written pre s3, teen rating is bc peter says some naughty bad language, theres no comfort to this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-15 22:29:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18508369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluejorts/pseuds/bluejorts
Summary: Please forget me, you were right dear,I am cold and self-involved,And though I'll miss you, recent loverI am weak and therefore fold





	Name and Place

**Author's Note:**

> summary lyrics are from keaton hensons 'small hands' bc! i like to feel pain!!!
> 
> the current gdocs for this is just called 'peter goes off' bc i thought about this in the shower the other day and i had to write it. let that man get angry! let him have emotions!!! (i will fix this. at some point.)

It’s the first night aboard the ship. The lights have dimmed and silvered in a mimicry of Earthen moonlight by the time Juno makes his way to his bunk. He keys the code given him by Buddy into the door and, when prompted, changes it to something that he’ll remember easier. Then he walks inside. The lights are just as dim here and Juno doesn’t bother with the ceiling lamp as he walks in, partly because his eye has adjusted already to the moonlight, and partly because he doesn’t get a chance before he registers something in the room that makes him halt in his step. 

Peter Nureyev leans against the wall at the foot of the small bed. He’s wearing the same outfit he has been all day, though his sleeves are rolled up now and his hair looks neater than it had. 

“Close the door.” He orders. 

Juno, having no idea what else to do, does as he’s told. The door shuts and seals with a whirr of the lock settling in place, and then there’s quiet. Somewhere in the ship below them, pipes creak and settle. Juno looks at Peter. Peter looks at Juno. 

“I need to talk to you.” Peter tells him, pushing away from the wall and clasping his hands behind his back. It’s a powerful stance, the way his back is straightened, feet sure as he steps towards Juno, chin tilted up to look at him down the length of his nose. There’s a powerful fire in his eyes, too, behind a new pair of glasses. 

“I -”

“No. This isn’t a conversation.  _ I  _ need to talk to you.  _ You _ need to listen. And to shut up, for once.”

Juno swallows a bubble of anxiety that comes up from his stomach and nods. Peter is standing just in front of him now, backlit by the silvery faux moonlight and with his face in shadow. 

“We went through a lot together, Juno. A lot of trouble in a short time, and I thought I grew to know you quite well. You’re a very open person - not so much the ‘heart on your sleeve’ type, but very open regardless. You’re predictable, plottable, knowable.” He smiles in a way that is more a grimace than anything else. “And yet I didn’t predict you leaving.”

“Nureyev, I -”

“ _ No _ .” Peter snaps. His voice is ice cold and crystallizes Juno’s blood. “No. I gave you my name. It was a gift.” The grimace turns a little more manic. “I gave you my name, and my heart and a  _ number  _ of other things and you decided to leave.”

Juno opens his mouth to speak again, but a glint of rage in Peter’s eye catches his words in his throat and he remains silent. 

“And I know you have your reasons. And I’m  _ sure _ you think they’re good. But that doesn’t change the fact that you betrayed me. You betrayed my trust, you broke my heart, and you made quite the  _ fool  _ of me.” He steps further forward, crowding into Juno’s space and leaning down to look him in the eye. “And for that I don’t think I can forgive you.”

And then he’s standing to his full height again and pacing away from Juno with a snort. 

“And you know, I’ve thought about it a lot. Why you left. And I think I can guess. You were selfish.” He holds up a silencing finger when Juno makes a noise in protest. “No. You were. You are. 

“You’re a very selfish person, Juno Steel. I didn’t realise it before, I was too caught up in your looks and your heroism and your bleeding heart foolhardiness to see it. You’re selfish.”

He faces Juno again from the centre of the room. One of the lights glints off of his glasses like an old cartoon. 

“You’re so caught up in your own problems, your own trauma, that you ignore those around you. You sweep them up and then ignore their feelings in favour of your own. You forget that the rest of us are just as traumatised as you, Juno.” A sharp laugh. “But of course, we still must  _ pity  _ you. Poor Juno Steel, the lady who tries so hard and cares so little about himself.  _ Poor  _ Juno Steel, who has been left alone as those at his side have died and moved on. Poor Juno  _ fucking _ Steel, who thinks so little of himself that he throws to the ground the efforts of those around him who care. Who is so selfish that he thinks he must keep himself to himself.”

Peter gestures angrily as he speaks, and jabs his finger at Juno as he pauses for breath. 

“Do you know what happened when I woke up to find you gone, Juno?” He doesn’t wait for answer. “I for a moment feared that I had imagined everything. That I had left you behind in Miasma’s hands and made my getaway alone. That I had added another evil thing to my list of misgivings. And yet, the bed on your side had been slept in. And yet I smelled your sweat on the pillow and saw your blood on the sheets. And yet I was still alone.” He breathes in sharply, and the next sentence comes out on a sharp, disbelieving hiss of air. “And I  _ cried _ . I cried, and my heart broke. Because you were too  _ selfish _ to stay. Too selfish to just  _ talk  _ to me, tell me  _ why  _ you were leaving. Why you didn’t think you were worthy of this - why you didn’t think I was right for you.” Juno can see the silver trail of a tear down his cheek. “And it’s been over a year, and I’m still hurting. I’ve moved on, but I’m still hurting. And you? You’re still hurting  _ yourself _ . You’re still being stupid, and foolish, and forgoing the care of others to follow your own ideals. 

“I sent Jet to follow you at first simply to check on you. Because I was weak. Because I still cared. And what he found was the husk of a person where you’d once been. And I look at you now and I see what he meant. Your hair is a mess, you clearly haven’t been  _ eating _ enough. You haven’t looked after yourself in the  _ slightest _ . What happened, Juno? Did everyone finally leave? Did they realise just how much you were taking from them without giving anything back? Did  _ you  _ realise? Was it really that hard to leave Mars that you had to make everyone else leave before you could?” 

He smooths his hand over his hair and sniffs a little, tears still trailing down his cheeks, pulling his eyeliner along with them in a black outline to their trails. 

“I - I’ve gone off track.” He announces. “What I came here to say, what I came here to tell you, was that you may not call me by any name other than the ones I give you and the rest of the crew until I say so. My name was a gift. My trust was a gift. You will receive neither back until I decide to give them again - if I ever do. And my love?” He laughs again, the bitterness seeping through his words and clogging Juno’s throat. “I’m not sure I have any of that left to give.”

He walks around Juno and Juno hears the door open. Hears the door close. Stands there, feet rooted to the ground and head filled with numbness and guilt. 

And then he cries.

**Author's Note:**

> ssssssorry,,,, i WILL at SOME POINT write more on this w them,,, heal in g
> 
> in the meantime i post art on tumblr @ nurgayev! and you can direct any complaints there!!


End file.
